The Toronto Blue Jays went out and signed a bunch of expensive players this offseason and fans were excited. One month in and the Jays are 13-22, good for last place in the AL East.
After news hit that Tim Tebow fans have signed a petition for President Obama demanding that the Jacksonville Jaguars sign him, two Jays fans got a similar idea.
Eddie Hrbinik and Charles Gretosky of Canada are starting a petition to have the baseball season start over.
"We got robbed aye!" Eddie said. "Reyes got hurt and Dickey stinks. This was our year!"
"Counting me and Eddie, we got..." Charles started skimming the names. "Nineteen people aye! That's more than usually attend a Jays game! JOE CARTER IS A GOD!!!!!"
We are doubtful the petition will work but of course will keep you posted.
Its only a matter of days before an estimated 30 billion to 1 trillion cicadas will emerge from 17 years of underground existence to take flight across the Eastern Seaboard. It is even crazier that someone's job is to keep an eye on what an insect is doing underground.
With that said, Lenny Jarvis an insect enthusiast has hunkered down into the ground to find out what the Cicadas were up to.
"Not a whole hell of a lot." he told us. "They are getting ready to emerge and get busy with one another so they can go back underground for another 17 years. Seems ridiculous if you ask me."
Jarvis didn't comment on how ridiculous it was for him to hunker down and see what the sex driven insects were up to. Instead, he decided to land an interview with one of the insects.
"I interviewed head cicada Richard Gannon and he told me something startling." added Jarvis in a frightened tone. "He said he and 8 million close friends had their sights set on invading Yankee Stadium. He told me that they wanted to have Cicada sex on Joba Chamberlain's neck like the midges did in Chicago a while back. Crazy story huh?"
With that said, we have know idea how we can verify the conversation between Jarvis and Richard the Cicada, but you can bet that they will be flocking around.
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The Yankees lost 2-0 at Colorado last night, but the real story may involve Ben Fransisco in right field. Denver bait shop owner Creighton "Creepy Crawly" Crenshaw is upset that Fransisco may have stepped on a worm while in the outfiled.
"I have 20/20 vision. I saw on that hi-def TV. He squashed the worm. I don't like that."
Creighton prefers to stab the worm with a hook and drop it into the water so that a fish can eat it.
"First it's that damn New Jersey guy, and now this! I can make 50 cents on one of them critters!"
Crenshaw is referring to the outrage sparked by PETA when NJ governor Chris Christie squashed a spider in front of a room full of school children.
"You east coasters have no respect for the great outdoors."
Crenshaw popped a can of fresh Coors Light and went back to looking for insects. No confirmation if Fransisco actually stepped on a wom but we will investigate.
Watching Mike Fancesa (with whom I don't always agree) today, made me weigh in on the newest Mickey Mantle memorabilia (possible) scam, and I only use the word possible for legal reasons.
Mike didn't hold back (and we agree 100% on this issue) when he said that it is totally impossible to prove not only that Mantle ever used a corked bat, but that the bat some "so-and-so" has for sale, CLAIMING TO BE an actual Mantle used corked bat in an MLB game is nothing short of total bullsh*t! Testimonially, Bobby Richardson (the reverend Richardson) called in and laughed (literally) at the suggestion!
I didn't hesitate to weigh in when another bozo claimed to be selling original Yankee Stadium seats. The legal qualification was that any seats from the old building could be said to be original stadium seats, even though the context leads one to believe they were the seats, Mrs. Ruth, or Mrs. Gehrig sat in, back through the early sixties! They are not! They are from the remodeled stadium that went into use in 1976. They are a different size and contour than the truly original seats, albeit much more comfortable to occupy!
Okay, that said: Here is the ZZTURK abridged history regarding Mickey Mantle:
Born in Spavinaw, Oklahoma in 1931, Mickey's father (well documented) named his kid after the great Mickey Cochrane - and Mickey himself at his HoF induction joked that his father didn't know that Cochrane's real first name was Gordon, "I don't know if there are any Gordon's here, but I'm sure glad he didn't name me Gordon!" (Mickey's own words, and if you hard him speak, you'd know he wasn't well educated.)
Almost from the time he could hold a bat, his father taught him to switch hit. (A good parallel is the similar situation with Earl Woods and his son Tiger.)
Many of us are wondering what the heck is going on. The Yankees have a full winning team on the field currently and are expecting four superstars back.
Where will they all play? I guess more specifically, where will A-Rod play?
We asked a couple of fans what they thought of A-Rod's return.
"I am a cheesy club goer. I like A-Rod because he is just as cheesy as me. I am way to old to be going to clubs, but I don't have my act together and still like to party. I haven't let go from my partying days. I guess you can say I am a loser." ~ Stevy Rice, full time lowlife.
"I don't pay attention to baseball until the playoffs, but I love love love the Yankees. I am a huge fan." Bosco Williams, not a real fan.
"I like Roger Clemens. He is a great guy and by no means did he ever take steroids like that jerk A-Rod. Derek Jeter is overrated too" ~ Carly a person who doesn't really pay attention to the Yankees, but pretends she knows everything.
At this point, we are unsure how the injured players will come back to the Yankees, but there are a lot of questions.
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Suddenly, the plan to put Curtis Granderson back in CF when he returns isn't so definite!
Did the Yanks fall in love with Wells? Do they think Curtis will not come back strong?
More like, it comes down to the numbers. Curtis (and his 195 Ks) becomes a free agent for next season, and the talk is that he's looking for (at least) the same 15M that he gets this year, and that's for multi-years. But despite Wells' 21M salary next season, 18.6 of that will be paid by the Angels, so the clearer bargain is obvious for next year, the year the Yankees are looking to pare salary ... coincidence?
Teixeira has a "strained" wrist? ... for two to three months? Or is it the dreaded wrist tendonitis for which he doesn't want to take cortisone (some call the death drug)? And wrist tendonitis, if one comes back too quickly, has a way of recurring!
The Yankees are married to A-Rod because no one else will take on any substantial portion of his salary - and he is motivated to make a comeback, just in case he thinks he won't be shunned when Hall of Fame voting takes place. (Bonds will be that barometer.)
Kevin Youkilis was doing so well, then suddenly the Yankees have to sign another 3B? Sounds like a chronic back problem that the team will never divulge? (So again, they WANT A-Rod back ASAP.)
With two days off in the last five, the pitching staff should be well rested (Hear that, Any Pettitte?) But if the temperature in Colorado hasn't yet approached Springtime, who knows what damage that could do to an aging staff?
Poor Cervi - he had all but won the catching job ... and then THIS! (Does he have enemies from Haiti?)
I don't know why the Yankee announcers don't mention how much BETTER a right fielder Ichiro is than the sideways bobblehead he replaced, but he will prove to be better than the next RF that replaces him, also!
The Northern Snakedhead fish is not very good looking and is becoming a problem in NYC. It has sharp teeth and resembles a snake, can live on land for days, eats rats and some say can drive a car.
An environmentalist explains:
"The car would have to be automatic though. Frankenfish can't drive stick shift. Its simply too hard for them to shift." said environmental moron Huck Slitherby
So are people on edge now that one was spotted in Central Park? You bet your ass they are.
If you thought there was a need to worry before, you may not want to read further. According to a picture that was sent into us via the internet, it appears that a snakehead fish is enjoying a ball game in Yankee Stadium. It gets worse. Other reports have the fish living it up in the Captain Morgen lounge eating salmon. That's right, Salmon.
A vendor explains:
"He ordered Salmon and a shot of whiskey. He told me to bring it to him now if I "know what's good for me." He was also smoking a cigarette." said Jonesy Williams a vendor in the lounge.
We talked to another fan who was pictured with the fish right near his shoulder. He recounts what the game was like sitting next to the Frankenfish.
"Oh, he had a lot to talk about. Scared the crap out of me literally. I crapped my pants. The fish told me to sit down "if I know what's good for me and shut up," so I did. I wasn't taking chances. That fish is scary."
There is no doubt about it, this fish is scary and is ruining our environment. If you own an automatic car, lock it. If you see one of these fishes waltzing around the city, call authorities.
Pete Baxter is an agent for some of the best recreational whiffle ball players in the United States. Pete is how do you say... broke, but thinks that if a major leaguer player paid him a lot of money, he would be able to negotiate a contract for them.
"Matsui for instance. You take a guy who won the MVP of the World Series in 2009 and you only get him a 1 day deal? That is unheard of. I would have at least gotten him a day and a half. At least!"
What Pete doesn't quite understand is that Matsui signed a one day deal just to retire as a Yankee. Nothing more.
"The guy can still play and he should, even if he is hurting and doesn't want to. If I could, I would ask that I be his agent for a day. Then I would show him I mean business."
Again, it appears that Pete just doesn't get it. We are happy for Hideki and are looking forward to his official retirement as a Yankee.
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Carla Volksberry of the Bronx has had 7 kids. She knows a thing or seven about back pain and now she is offering up some advice for Kevin.
"I keep having babies because the government will keep giving me more money. It is like a full time job. You know?"
Carla is not afraid to use the system and now has some advice for Youkilis. She explains in between drags of her cigarette.
"When I had back pain in labor, I got an epidural. Simple as that. I think Kevin should look into it."
We asked if she thought he would have trouble running after receiving one.
"Oh, not sure. i always just lay on the couch. Don't do much of anything. For me it works."
We are not sure if the Yankees will take her advice, but it is advice nonetheless.